


Can We Always Be This Close? (Forever and Ever)

by shuhannon



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, The Summer I Turned Pretty Trilogy - Jenny Han
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Christmas, F/M, First Time, Loss of Virginity, POV Alternating, POV Ben Solo, POV Rey (Star Wars), Sick Character, Walks On The Beach
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2019-12-10
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:07:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21749539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shuhannon/pseuds/shuhannon
Summary: Snow began to fall. Rey pressed her cheek against the cold glass of the window, a smile curling at her lips as she watched the white flakes fall from the darkened sky.She could feel Ben’s eyes on her, could feel his stare as he glanced over every few moments or so.His hand was outstretched, his palm sliding against hers, his fingers beginning to fill each line, each space between hers.Home, Rey couldn’t help but to think, to feel even as her house became nothing but a tiny dot on the radar, a speck in the background, effectively out of sight and out of mind. Ben felt like home.* * *ben and rey sneak off to spend christmas together at the organa-skywalker-solo family beach house.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 26
Kudos: 174





	Can We Always Be This Close? (Forever and Ever)

**Author's Note:**

> thanks to semperfidani for organizing the star wars advent calendar! i’ve loved ready all the fics so far, and it was a good excuse to write a christmas fic.
> 
> this is loosely based off a portion of ‘the summer i turned pretty’ trilogy where conrad and belly go to the beach. 
> 
> the title comes from ‘lover’ by taylor swift.
> 
> thanks goes to deadlikemoi for beta-ing! 🖤

[](https://imgbb.com/)

  
  
“Hey.” The low rumble of his voice sounded breathless over the phone. It sent a shiver down her spine, one that made Rey’s stomach jolt in anticipation, in maybe something more.

“Hi.” The greeting came out too high pitched, too eager, too fast. Rey shifted the phone from one ear to the other. She always complained about the old fashioned phone to Amilyn, how she wanted nothing more than the freedom that a cordless phone could provide. But right now, Rey was thankful for something to fidget with, as she curled the spiral phone cord around her finger over and over again.

“Are you-” He paused, and Rey could picture him now, his lips pressed together, his weight shifting back and forth in the seat of his car. “You still coming?”

“Of course.” _I wouldn’t miss it. I wouldn’t say no._

“Alright, I’m parked around the corner.”

“Give me a couple minutes.”

The house was still, dark and quiet. Amilyn had gone to bed a few hours prior. The only light in their apartment came from the glow of the Christmas tree, that had still been plugged in after everyone had gone to bed.

Christmas was tomorrow. Amilyn wouldn’t be happy when she woke up to find Rey’s bed empty. She would be even more unhappy when she discovered Rey wasn’t even in the house, and instead hours away at the beach house in Scarif.

Rey would leave a note. She would explain what happened. It would be fine.

Amilyn would understand that she needed to be with Ben.

Tugging a sweater on over her pajamas, Rey added a coat, a scarf, gloves and a hat. Winter had arrived in Gatalenta. The night was dark, quiet, still, with the scent of snow hanging throughout the air.

Christmas had always felt magical to Rey.

Just like it had been planned, Rey spotted the familiar black TIE Silencer parked under a streetlamp. Smoke swirled from the exhaust pipe, and the back windows were still fogged up. 

Quickly she slipped into the passenger side, a blast of hot air instantly warming her exposed face in greeting. Instantly her eyes were drawn to the man behind the steering wheel. Ben always looked too big for this car; legs too long, shoulders too broad. 

It was weird to see Ben Solo during the winter months; to see the slight tan that he always boasted in the summer months beginning to fade. To see him dressed in layers of fleece and heavy jeans, opposed to walking around the house in nothing but his board shorts. 

His cheeks were tinged pink from the cold. His hair had gotten long enough to cover his ears. For a brief moment, Rey wondered how she was going to tell he was embarrassed without the tell tale sign of the tips of his ears changing color.

Then again, perhaps that was why he had let his hair grow out.

“Hi.” She whispered the word, still studying him, still trying to digest every detail, every part of winterized Ben in.

How different it was than the image she had formed in her head after spending so many summers together. Rey had been a toddler when Amilyn had adopted her, too young to remember much more than bits or pieces. Even now, Rey could not differentiate between what were memories of her birth parents and what was the products of dreams. 

Amilyn was the only family she had ever known. Amilyn and the Solos. Leia, Han, Ben and his best friend Poe. They had all spent every summer together in Scariff, not missing even once since before Rey could remember.

This was Rey’s first time venturing to the beach house in the winter. This was her first time going there alone, with just Ben.

Then again, change was on the horizon. Leia was sick again, the prognosis not as good as it had been the first time around. It wasn’t something Ben discussed much, not something he ever really shared with Rey.

Which was why she had been surprised when she had received the phone call earlier that day, about how he wanted to get away, to just escape from it all for a little while.

Rey hadn’t questioned why, but maybe now she should.

“Hey.” Ben was turning towards her now, his fingers fidgeting with the keys, then the hair at the nape of his neck. He was nervous, Rey realized. Her stomach gave another jolt. 

Ben was never nervous. Ben always knew what he wanted, always knew what to do to get it.

Yet right now he seemed twitchy, uncertain.

It sent a shiver down Rey’s spine, one that she was certain had nothing to do with the dropping temperatures outside.

“You ready?” Ben’s hands were now gripping the steering wheel. He kept glancing over at her, the tip of his tongue peeking out to wet his lips. 

“Yeah.” She shifted, reaching for her seatbelt as the car began to pull away from the curb. Around them the street continued to sleep. The houses were all dark and quiet, the only light coming from the streetlamps and the Christmas lights that adorned various houses. 

As the car began to move forward, Rey only glanced back once. Amilyn would get over it. She would be mad, would probably yell into the phone, would ground her for a month.

Then she would get over it. Then things would be fine.

Snow began to fall. Rey pressed her cheek against the cold glass of the window, a smile curling at her lips as she watched the white flakes fall from the darkened sky. 

She could feel Ben’s eyes on her, could feel his stare as he glanced over every few moments or so. 

His hand was outstretched, his palm sliding against hers, his fingers beginning to fill each line, each space between hers.

_Home,_ Rey couldn’t help but to think, to feel even as her house became nothing but a tiny dot on the radar, a speck in the background, effectively out of sight and out of mind. _Ben felt like home._

* * *

The house looked very much the same. The same staircase leading to the wrap around porch. The furniture had been put away for the winter; the adirondack chairs and loungers that Rey had spent numerous hours laying on, gaining freckles and more of a tan. 

The porch swing was still there, which made Rey feel warm, happy. The porch swing had always been her favorite, for as long as she could remember. 

Ben cut the engine, turning and removing the key from the ignition. Suddenly Rey felt a surge of adrenaline, of excitement and eagerness. That feeling was familiar. It was the very same one she felt every year, when they pulled into the gravel driveway. 

Usually Leia was waiting for them on the front porch, sometimes Ben and Poe too, with their hair wet from the swimming pool, their skin tan from spending so much time in the sun, smelling of sunscreen and salty ocean air. 

This was the first time Rey had ever seen the house empty. There wasn’t any Leia to wave from her perch on her favorite chair, no Poe to run out to the car and spin Rey around. 

At least she still had Ben.

“I’ll race you.” She teased.

He glanced between Rey and the house, a small smirk curling across his lips. “You’re on.”

Rey ran for it, sprinting, the gravel crunching underneath her shoes. She pumped her arms, reaching out to give Ben a shove as he closed in beside her.

“Hey!” She heard him protest, but in response she just laughed. She laughed and laughed. This felt familiar. This felt comforting, nice.

Then she was racing, was running up the stairs, her hand outstretched towards the front door and Ben still nipping at her heels. She was almost there, had almost reached it, and then… she felt his arms encircling her waist, and Rey was suddenly in the air, spinning around and around and around, the world becoming nothing but a blur.

Her feet landed softly on the wooden planks of the front porch, her cheeks flushed and her eyes bright as she tilted her head to look up at Ben. She could feel where his hands lingered on her waist, the slight pressure of his fingertips radiating heat through every single layer she wore.

Suddenly Rey felt very warm, very aware.

His brown eyes kept darting down to her lips.

_Yes_ , Rey thought. _Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me._

And he did.

The kiss was soft, his lips pressed gently to her own. Rey felt her eyes flutter shut, felt her hands moving from his arms, to his shoulders, to loosely wrap around his neck. She rose onto the tips of her toes, pressing her body closer to his.

It was over in the blink of an eye, leaving Rey trying to make sense of how long they had been standing on the front porch, his mouth against hers. Seconds, minutes, hours. Days, weeks, months. The moment had been stretched over an eternity while also being gone in a flash. 

Around them snow began to fall, it seemed to have followed them all the way from Gatalena to the shoreline of Scarif.

“Let’s go inside.” Ben finally spoke, his voice quiet, gentle, soft. He was looking at her differently now. Gone were the sarcastic eye rolls and teasing comments. No longer did he look at her as some tag along kid, the daughter of a family friend.

She only nodded in response. Her hand found his or maybe his found hers, and the door was being unlocked before they stumbled inside.

The house was quiet. Eerie, bare. How empty it seemed without kids running down the hall, without Leia and her mom blasting disco hits from the living room, without the sound of chatter around the kitchen table.

“I’ll get a fire going,” Ben offered, already moving in the direction of the family room. They never used the fireplace. Half the time Rey forgot it was even there. It always seemed a frivolous thing, a fireplace at a beach house. Slowly she was beginning to realize that the house didn’t just disappear as August came to an end.

She wandered into the kitchen, began to rummage through the cabinets to see if there was something she could make. Maybe a packet of ramen or a can of soup, forgotten in the very back or perhaps left behind in case of an emergency.

Her fingers brushed along a cardboard box in the back of the pantry. She was able to grab a hold of it, to pull it down.

Inside were a handful of packets of instant hot chocolate. Leia had always made it with milk during the rare rainy day. They would curl up on the couch to watch old movies, to munch on a bowl of popcorn that was drizzled with extra butter.

Rey made it with water instead.

Walking carefully into the family room, she had a mug of steaming cocoa in each hand. “I found food!” Rey announced, a smug smirk on her face.

Ben was crouched down by the fireplace, poking and prodding at the logs with the metal stoker in his hand. Slowly he rose, and Rey realized he had stripped out of some of his layers. No longer did he wear the bulky fleece, the scarf, the hat that he had only tugged on after they were halfway to the beach and had stopped for gas. 

His hair was mussed. 

Suddenly all Rey wanted to do was to rake her fingers through it; to touch it, feel it. 

They both stood there, space between them, yet neither willing to make any move. 

“Come sit with me,” Rey finally offered as she sat down on the edge of the couch, placing the warm mugs onto the coffee table in front of them. No longer did she feel particularly hungry or thirsty.

Ben blinked at her. Slowly he crossed the family room, approached the couch and went to sit down at the opposite end.

“No-” Rey shook her head, patting the space beside her. “I promise I don’t bite.”

Usually everyone piled onto the couch, fighting over who got to sit on the ends and who was sandwiched in the middle. Sometimes they would all be on it; Rey and Ben, Leia, Amilyn and even Poe. They used to clamber over one another’s laps, nestled in between limbs and laps, blankets and pillows. 

Leia and Amilyn always got to pick what movies they watched. That was the rule. The kids were welcome to choose when the moms weren’t around, but if it was family movie night, then democracy didn’t exist.

Amilyn usually picked some political thriller, or something with plenty of action and plot twists.

It was Leia’s choices that were Rey’s favorites. The old black and white movies where the dialogue was so quick, the language still English but somehow different.

The movies where the two love interests could convey so much; so much of their thoughts, their emotions into one single look.

_“I’m going to love someone like that someday,” Rey had proclaimed, her hands still sticky from the popsicle she had eaten after lunch and the ever present purple moustache from a glass of kool aid lining her upper lip._

_“Oh really?” Her mother asked, skepticism etched into her features as she raised an eyebrow in her daughter’s direction._

_“Really.” Rey insisted with a firm nod. She turned to look at Leia, who was looking right back at the young girl, a soft smile etched across her face._

_“Anyone would be lucky to love you,” The older brunette agreed, an arm curling around Rey’s shoulders as she drew her spritely form in for a hug. “Anyone.”_

Ben moved towards the far end of the couch. He paused, as if he was rethinking his decision, before moving to sit down beside Rey instead. He still maintained some distance. There was enough space between them that their legs weren’t pressed together, that they weren’t actually touching.

Rey leaned forward to retrieve the mugs of cocoa, brushing her arm against his in the process. She felt him go still, like a spooked deer in the woods.

“Tastes good,” Rey announced after she took a long sip of the drink. She paused. In actuality the cocoa tasted…

“Dusty. This tastes dusty.” He was smirking at her over the rim of his mug, the corners of his mouth twitching into a suppressed smile.

Rey shot him a glare. “Look I didn’t have much to work with-“ She protested. “At least I made something.”

“I made the fire.” Ben retorted back, as he leaned forward, placing his mug back on the coffee table. “One could argue that fire and warmth is more important than old, stale hot chocolate.”

“Hot chocolate can keep you warm.” Rey took another sip, trying to ignore the fact that it did indeed taste dusty. “Besides,” She moved to place her mug besides Ben’s. “There’s other ways to keep you warm.”

Rey wanted to kick herself. The air felt thick again, felt full of this unknown _thing_ that was going on between them, the same thing that they hadn’t discussed, hadn’t been labeled or defined.

Bickering with Ben felt normal. Bickering with Ben was what Rey had always done, had always known to do. Sometimes it was teasing; they would joke around with one another, would end up laughing at each other and themselves.

Other times it ended with sparks flying, with Rey storming up to her room, biting her lip to try and stop the tears from falling down her face. Other times it would be Ben walking away, rushing out the front door while Leia would call after him and Amilyn would be turning on Rey, asking why she had to always push things with Ben so far.

“You know he feels too much,” Her mother would always say, her brow furrowed in frustration. “You know that he has a big heart.”

Now Rey was feeling like she had pushed things again. She had taken things too far. Once more Rey had crossed the line when it came to Ben.

His eyes kept flickering towards her. Her teeth began to toy with her bottom lip, nibbling on the soft, chapped flesh. The words became lodged in her throat, which was probably for the best because she didn’t know what to say, didn’t know if any words could rectify the situation. 

Ben shifted in his seat, angling his too tall form in her direction. One of his arms was draped along the back of the couch, the other rested on his knee, his fingers tapping against the denim of his jeans.

“Is it-” He began to say. “Can I-” Ben tried again before stopping, a frustrated noise slipping from his lips. He fell silent for a moment, once more shifting slightly. “Fuck it-” Then he was leaning towards her, the hand that had previously been on his knee coming up to cup her cheek, while his mouth was pressed against hers.

He filled nearly every one of her senses; her touch, her taste, her scent, and he would have filled her vision had Rey’s eyes not slipped shut the moment his mouth touched hers. He still smelled the same; like lemongrass mixed with that Tide detergent that Leia always used. Her fingers carded through his hair, and Rey was content to discover that it felt as soft as it had looked.

And he tasted… he tasted like toothpaste and dusty hot chocolate, a combination that sounded unappealing yet left Rey wanting more.

She felt the tip of his tongue seeking entrance and eagerly she parted her lips, allowing her tongue to clash with his.

“I don’t want to- “He was breathing heavily, his hands now gripping her waist. Her shirt had ridden up, exposing a strip of her flesh, goosebumps breaking out over her skin.”I don’t want to move too fast if-”

“I’m good.” Rey responded, resting her forehead to his. Her lips felt swollen, felt chapped and tingling in the best way possible. “You’re good. You’ve always been so good to me.”

She watched as his eyes fluttered shut, watched the way his long, dark lashes brushed against his pale skin. Rey knew she should feel nervous; should feel a little apprehensive, maybe a little bit scared.

But Ben had always taken good care of her, had always watched out for her even when her own judgement had been clouded. He would never let anything bad happen to her. He had been the boy who had taught her how to swim in the ocean, who was always chucking sunscreen at her when she had been laying out for so long.

He had always thought of her first, which is why Rey always had thought he would be her first.

It made sense. There was never any other option in her mind. 

It always had been Ben. It always would be Ben.

They continued to kiss, limbs becoming tangled as layers of clothing continued to be shed. Rey felt deliciously delirious, her skin feeling completely aflame despite the fact she was left in nothing more than her bra, panties and a tee shirt. She was lying on the couch now, her legs wrapped around his hips, as her hands kept running up and down his bare torso, feeling every inch of skin she possibly could.

She could feel her panties growing wet, could feel herself needing more; more friction, more contact, more, more, _more_.

Rey never felt that she was a greedy person, but right now she wanted nothing more than to devour him in entirety. 

“I don’t wanna scare you-” Ben murmured against her skin, his mouth leaving a trail from her jawbone down along her neck. His hands were everywhere; on her hips, in her hair, dipping underneath the hem of her tee shirt.

She felt as if she was on fire; felt like she was going to burst into flames right then and there. 

“I’m not.” Turning her head in towards his, Rey pressed her swollen lips against his cheek. _I would never be afraid of you, she thought in her mind. I trust you. I care for you. I love..._

Rey had loved Ben for a long time. It was true what they said, your first love never truly faded away. And though Rey knew what she now felt towards Ben was vastly different than how she felt at eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve. How different it was from even last year when they had spent the entire summer dancing around one another, neither willing to take a step forward, to finally cross the line.

Now, though, _now_ the line certainly felt crossed with Ben shirtless, hovering above her, his jean clad legs tangled with her smooth, bare ones, his arms on either side of her, effectively caging her body in. Ben with his lower half pressed against hers, his jeans feeling like too much of a buffer, too thick of a layer between her skin and his.

  
  


“Off.” Rey mumbled, her fingers dropping to the waistband of his jeans. She fumbled, trying to undo the belt, the button, the fly. Eventually Ben managed to shimmy out of his jeans, letting the garment join the others on the floor of the family room. 

Fair is fair, Rey thought as her fingers dipped to the hem of her tee shirt, pulling it up and over her head. She sat there, wearing nothing but her bra and panties, and the way he was looking at her; the way his eyes kept raking over her body made Rey feel a jolt deep down in the very pit of her stomach.

_I love you. I love you. I’ve always loved you._

“I don’t have a- I didn’t expect-“ his gaze shifted away from Rey awkwardly, and it took her a moment to realize what he was saying.

“I’m on the pill.” She blurted out, the words feeling harsh, feeling too brash and abrupt. “And I’m- I mean I obviously never have been with anyone else.” Rey allowed her voice to trail off as she felt a blush rush to her cheeks.

“I’m clean.” Ben added, his hand moving to palm at the hair on the nape of his neck.

For a moment they both just sat there, staring at one another.

Then Ben was muttering something that sounded like, “Oh fuck it,” and they were kissing one another again.

Everything felt as if it was moving in slow motion. In some ways Rey felt as if she wasn’t a part of it at all. Instead, she felt like she was watching a movie, watching a scene unfold as she sat in the audience.

Ben kept checking in her, kept asking if she was sure, if she really wanted to do this.

“Yeah,” Rey nodded yet again, her hand coming up to smooth back his hair. She couldn’t get over how soft it felt, couldn’t get over the fact that such a small action could feel so natural, so right. “Yeah, I want it to be you.”

_It has always been you._

He nodded in return, his features soft, his gaze loving.

Ben was patient with her, calm as he pushed inside of her. At first Rey felt nothing but resistance, felt like there was no way he was going to fit, that there was no way that they were going to be able to do this, let alone have it be enjoyable.

“Relax,” Ben murmured, his lips parted and his breathing labored. Then he was kissing her, his tongue pressing against the seal of her lips, seeking entrance. Rey opened her mouth, her tongue brushing against his. She felt her body begin to relax, felt Ben sink deeper inside of her until, then…

He grunted as he sank as far he could, his body pressed tightly against hers.

Then, only after he was certain she was ready, did Ben begin to move.

Rey was surprised how similar it felt to riding a rollercoaster, even though afterwards she cringed at the analogy. But it was true. The slow build up, the anticipation. And then you got over that first hill, got past that first crest and the fun began, only for it to be over in a flash.

Once it was done, Rey thought she would have felt different. She thought she would feel changed, that their relationship would forever be altered. But instead they nestled together on the couch, both in various states of undress.

They turned on the tv, began to watch an old Christmas movie that they both agreed looked familiar yet neither could pinpoint what it was called.

Ben made a joke, made a snide remark about something with the main character. Rey laughed before retorting something teasing back.

Then everything felt the same, felt familiar, if not better.

It was then Rey realized that their relationship wasn’t going to change, that it didn’t need to change. Because the affection, the love was already there.

Hours passed. Rey watched Ben fall asleep. She watched his eyes grow heavy, watched as they drooped shut. He fell asleep lying beside her, one arm tucked behind her shoulders while the other was draped across her stomach.

She felt safe, felt secure as she continued to lay there, watching the embers of the fire die down. So Rey watched Ben sleep, her forefinger lightly tracing the bridge of the nose, the curve of his lips, the bow of his brows. So relaxed he looked, in sleep. He looked young too, Rey couldn’t help but think. He looked much more like the boy she had first met over a decade ago, rather than the man that he seemed so eager to become.

“I love you,” She whispered, not caring that the first time those three little words were uttered aloud fell upon deaf ears. “For me, there’s only ever been you.”

* * *

  
  


The sound of the phone ringing was what actually roused Rey from her sleep. Her mind was at first muddled, uncertain about where she was. But then the previous night came rushing back, bit by bit and also all at once. The hushed phone call, the quiet drive down to Scarif. The dusty hot chocolate, and the crackling of flames.

Ben, leaning over her, naked and exposed, his cheeks flushed as he pressed his lips to hers.

The pang of pain she felt between her legs that gave way to something else entirely, a sense of feeling full, a sense of feeling whole, feeling entirely complete. 

Looking to her left, Ben was still sleeping beside her; still looked just as peaceful as Rey remembered him appearing before she too had succumbed to sleep. All Rey wanted to do was lay there, was close her eyes and nuzzle close to him, to hold onto this moment until the end of time.

The phone continued to ring. And ring, and ring.

Rey knew who it was before she even answered, before she had even reached the phone across the room. She had shrugged on her panties along with Ben’s fleece sweatshirt.

“Hello?”

“ _Rey_?!”

Furious was an understatement. Never before had Rey heard her mother sound quite so mad. 

“Hi-” She began. “Didn’t you get my note?” Then Rey remembered that she hadn’t left one. That she had been so caught up in what was about to happen that she had forgotten to leave one behind.

“No, I did not see any note,” Amilyn growled. “It’s Christmas morning, and I wake up to find your bed empty, and you’re just- you’re just _gone-_ ” Rey could already picture her, standing in the kitchen in her fluffy robe, her lilac hair sticking up at odd angles. Almost as a second thought, Rey’s hand flew to her own hair, her fingers carding through the brown strands.

“What are you doing in Scarif?” Her mother asked next. She heard Amilyn inhale sharply before asking the next question, the question Rey was perhaps dreading the most. “Who are you with?”

Rey hesitated, glancing over towards the couch. Ben was awake, staring right back at her, clearly listening to the conversation, or at least the portion that he could hear.

“Ben.”

There was a brief pause. “Ben’s there with you?”

“Yes.”

“Is he… is he okay?”

That seemed like a strange question to ask. Rey shifted her weight from one foot to the other, her fingers going to fidget with the hem of the sweater that she wore. Then again with Leia being sick, maybe her mother’s concern was going into overdrive. It seemed everyone was more worried about Ben, rather than his mother who was the one with cancer.

Once again, her gaze flickered to Ben. He was moving now, standing with his bare back turned towards Rey. Her eyes roamed over the way his shoulders tensed as he bent over to retrieve his boxers, his tee shirt, his jeans.

“Yeah.” Rey nodded despite the fact that her mother couldn’t see. “Yeah, he’s fine.” _Why_ , she wanted to ask. 

The sound of Amilyn exhaling over the other end brought Rey’s attention away from Ben and back to the phone call with her mother. “I’m pretty grounded, huh?”

“Yes, Rey. You’re pretty grounded.” Amilyn retorted. “Look-“ There was another brief pause. “Have Christmas today, but I expect you home tonight. Not too late either, alright?”

Rey had expected her to demand they leave right now, had expected to be chewed out with the promise of extensive punishment. 

“Alright. Got it, Mom.” She looked over at Ben, who was now dressed and looking right back at her. His face was hard to read, hard to pinpoint what he was thinking, feeling.

She shifted her weight again, feeling the soreness between her legs.

Rey felt her face begin to heat, and all of the sudden she wanted nothing more than for this conversation to end.

“And Rey?” 

“Yeah?”

“Your ass is grounded for a month when you get home.”

Rey let out a slow huff of air. Once more she looked at Ben, who was smirking. It caused a grin to twitch at the corners of her lips.

“Got it, Mom.”

Even if she had been grounded for two months, six months, a year… it was all worth it.

Hanging up the phone, Rey turned to look at Ben. He stood there, hands in the pockets of his jeans, as he waited for the verdict. 

“We have to be home tonight.” She informed him, already working her bottom lip between her teeth. “So-” Rey glanced around the family room, at the clothes littering the floor from the night before. “What do we do now?”

“We do whatever we want.” Ben replied, shrugging his shoulders.

At that Rey began to grin. “I wanna go to the beach.”

* * *

The sky was gray and cloudy. The air had a chill in it, the exact opposite of the warm sea breeze that Rey had grown accustomed to during the summer months spent in Scarif.

They dressed in layers, piling on sweaters, jackets, gloves, scarves and hats before leaving the house. Rey borrowed a pair of Leia’s galoshes that had been left in the laundry room, while Ben dug his own out from the back of his closet.

The beach was empty. Everyone was at their homes, gathering around the Christmas tree, exchanging gifts and spending time with their loved ones. Part of Rey felt guilty that her mother was home alone, but maybe that in itself was a gift. Amilyn never got time alone, between work and Rey and making trips to Coruscant to help with Leia... 

Rey ran down towards the shoreline, splashing in the waves and ignoring the icy chill of the sea water that splashed onto the exposed skin of her face. The waves kept rolling, crashing in on one another while the sand was soft, squishy underneath the rubber soles of their boots.

She laughed, her cheeks tinged pink from the cold, but Rey didn’t care. She looked over at where Ben stood, watching her from a couple feet away, and she felt warm again.

Then she was running again, taking off down the beach, her hair whipping in the wind behind her. She heard the sound of Ben’s footsteps growing closer and closer. “Where are you going?” He called, but all Rey could do was laugh in response as she continued down the beach. 

Leia’s boots were two sizes too big. Rey kept slipping, kept falling into the wet sand, either landing on her knees or on her butt. But she didn’t care. She just kept laughing, the sound becoming drowned out by the howl of the wind.

“You’re a mess.” Ben declared, standing over her before he held out a hand to help Rey up again.

She _was_ a mess, her clothes covered in patches of sand and seawater. She was cold, chilled entirely to the bone, yet Rey had never felt happier. Her cheeks were beginning to ache, but Rey wasn’t sure if that was due to the cold air or the fact she had been smiling so wide for so long.

“I am a mess,” Rey agreed, reaching to take Ben’s offered hand. “But so are you.” And then she pulled, yanking onto his arm as hard as she could and it was a success, because the next thing Rey knew, Ben was landing on top of her, his hands digging into the sand on either side of her head, effectively caging her body with his own.

She smiled, reaching up to ruffle his wind blown hair. 

Ben glared in return, but then his expression began to soften, began to morph into something else entirely. 

Part of Rey wanted to ask what he was thinking, to try and probe his mind. Once she had overheard Leia and her mom talking about him, how he felt either too much at once or cut off everything and then also everyone.

All she wanted was to be let in, was to hear what he was thinking, what he was feeling. She wanted to hear that last night, that today, that this very moment meant just as much to him as it did to her.

But the moment he leaned down, the moment he kissed her, all those thoughts and worries vanished. Because the moment that Ben kissed her, the moment that Rey could taste him, could feel him on her lips and on her fingertips, she just knew.

* * *

Rey was still giggling when they came back inside. The tips of her fingers and the tips of her toes were frozen, chilled to the bone. “Am I cold?” She teased, pressing her hands to his cheeks, to his jawline, to his neck. 

“Mmm,” Ben murmured, moving to grab her hands in his. He held them close, lightly rubbing his fingers along hers in an attempt to warm them up. “They feel good.” He raised her hands up to his mouth, pressing his lips along her cold fingertips. 

Rey felt her giggles begin to fade away, her grin melting into something softer. She felt her heart beating a million times a minute; felt as if it was going to beat so fast that it would just burst from her chest.

She wondered if Ben could hear it.

“That’s because you’re cold hearted,” The words were teasing because when she was with Ben that’s what she did. They would joke, would egg each other on with insults flung back and forth. Maybe this was her default mode; the one thing she did to hold onto the past. Because the past was familiar, the past was comfortable. As much as Rey wanted to move forward, as much as she wanted to keep ploughing ahead on this unknown path with Ben, it also felt scary, like jumping off a cliff and not knowing how deep the fall was.

“I am.” Ben lowered their hands, shifting his grip so that their fingers became entwined. “For everyone else.” He turned his head, allowing his gaze to drift away. “But not for you.” 

The fact that he couldn’t look Rey in the eye when he said it, made her realize just how much he really meant it. 

Rey didn’t know what to say, didn’t know if she could say anything else. So she just stood on her tiptoes, leaning in to press a kiss to his cheek. She loved that she could do that, just kiss him whenever she wanted. It felt exhilarating, felt like they were finally getting somewhere after trying to swim upstream for so long.

“I should build another fire.” Ben finally spoke again as he began to walk away. “This house is freezing and your fingers still feel like icicles.” 

All Rey could do was nod. She didn’t feel cold right now.

“Go get changed!” Ben added, calling over his shoulder before he disappeared entirely from sight. “You’re covered in sand.”

Rey did as he suggested. She went upstairs, opting to take a quick shower, the hot water feeling at first like a stark contrast on her skin, but eventually it made her entire body flush pink with warmth. 

When Ben had called, she hadn’t bothered to pack a bag. Maybe because of nerves, maybe because she was afraid the trip would never actually happen, would just become another figment of her imagination, another ‘what if’ to add to the million other what if’s that could have, should have happened between her and Ben.

Wrapping a towel around her body, she suddenly felt shy stepping out of the bathroom and into the hallway. Because what if he came upstairs? What if he saw her?

Except that was silly considering what had happened last night.

She ended up walking down the hallway and into Ben’s bedroom. He had to have a change of clothes, something left over from the beach. Even putting on shorts and a tee shirt would feel better than slipping back into her damp jeans.

Rey had only been in Ben’s room a handful of times. It always felt like a distant, foreign part of the house. A place that she felt as if she wasn’t allowed. Even then, it still looked the same; crisp, white walls that contrasted with the navy bedding. Everything was neat and orderly, put away in its place. Nothing about the decor screamed ‘beach house’, but then again neither did Ben. 

She ran her hand over the top of his dresser, smiling softly at the few momentos that were situated there; a picture of him with his parents, a calligraphy set that he sometimes brought downstairs to practice at the kitchen table during rainy days. An old wrist watch that he used to time his laps in the pool. And a small velvet box, one that Rey didn’t remember ever seeing before.

Don’t do it, the voice of reason in her mind began to say. Get what you came for and leave. Respect his privacy.

Except Ben didn’t keep anything that wasn’t important to him. 

Slowly, she picked up the box, flipping open the lid. Inside was a small piece of smooth wood with crude carvings on the front of it. It was square, with soft indents in the sides giving it a vague hourglass shape. Rey ran the pad of her thumb over the front, feeling the different indents and lines that had been carved into it.

“It’s made from japor snippet. A type of wood.” 

Ben’s voice should have startled her; should have made her jump. Instead, Rey found she had expected him to appear, had sensed that he was standing in the doorway before he spoke.

“It’s beautiful,” Rey murmured, her finger tracing the design.

“It was my grandmother’s. Or, well, my grandfather’s first. He made it for her when they first met. It’s supposed to bring good luck.”

At that Rey smiled, glancing over at Ben. He was standing beside her now, a foot or so of distance between them.

“Well there’s no better place to keep it than here. I don’t know any luckier house than this one.”

And it was true. Sometimes it felt as if all of Rey’s good memories had happened in this house, at this beach. She knew that realistically, that statistically that couldn’t be true. After all, how could a place that she spent only three months of the year have such a monopoly on happy moments?

Except when those moments shone so bright when they glowed, lifted high above the rest, everything else seemed like cloudy days in comparison.

Suddenly, Rey remembered that she was standing in the middle of Ben’s bedroom, wearing nothing but a towel, holding a family heirloom, with Ben barely a foot away.

She placed the necklace back in its box, returning the item to its place on the dresser. Her face felt warm, felt flushed, yet Rey didn’t think it had anything to do with the hot shower.

“I didn’t mean to just barge in here,” She began to explain, adjusting her hold on where the towel was tucked in against her chest. “I just wanted to see if you had something I could wear.

Rey glanced up at Ben.

He was looking at her like she was something to eat, like he wanted to taste every last inch of her, like he wanted nothing more than to consume her entirety.

Rey felt a throbbing between her legs. Out of instinct she squeezed her thighs, seeking out some sort of pressure.

It wasn’t enough.

She wasn’t sure who approached who. One moment Ben was a foot or so away, the next he was standing in front of her, and Rey was tugging his tee shirt off over his head.

It turned out that Rey wanted to devour him too. She hated the way her fingers shook as she tried to make quick work of his belt. She hated the way it seemed to take her forever to undo his button and his fly.

But then he was standing there with nothing but his boxers, which were very clearly tented in the front.

Then Rey was dropping to her knees, was tugging his boxers down, down and away.

He tasted salty, tasted bitter and also sweet. Always a contradiction, Ben Solo was. Even down to the very make up of his body.

Rey had never done this before. She had read articles about it in old copies of Cosmo, had heard it discussed on TV and in the movies.

She had googled it once, had been led down a rabbit whole of smutty fanfiction stories and videos of porn.

But all of that research, all of that advice from strangers went out the window. Instead Rey began taking cues from Ben.

His grip on her hair would tighten when she hollowed out her cheeks. His breath would hitch when she would run her tongue over his tip, tasting the tangy precum that was waiting for her, little droplets formed around his slit.

And the way he moaned her name when she took him as deep, as far towards her throat as she could. That was the best noise of them all.

“I’m gonna- Rey-“ it was the only warning she got before he was coming, shooting his hot seed down the back of her throat. On instinct, Rey swallowed, getting down every last tiny pebble of liquid, every last drop.

She released him from her mouth with a loud smacking noise, the same a child would make when they were eating a lollipop.

Rey tilted her head upwards, all while wiping her lips on the back of her hand. On the one hand, she felt satisfied, felt like she had achieved a job well done.

On the other hand, she ached for him, and she wanted more.

Ben’s eyes were heavily lidded, almost completely shut. One of his hands was gripping the edge of the dresser, while the other lingered on Rey’s body in some form or another even as she stood. His hand was in her hair, on her shoulder, then drifting down her neck, her chest, her side before it came to rest on her towel clad hip.

“Was that-“ Rey cleared her throat, the taste of him still on her tongue. “Did you-“

Ben’s grip tightened, his fingertips digging into the soft flesh of her upper thigh. “Bed.” His voice was hoarse. “Bed, _now_.”

Rey had never been so happy to listen to Ben in her entire life.

Her hand found his, as she led him over towards the bed. He trailed after her, stepping out of his boxers and officially rendering himself completely naked. Feeling bold, Rey dropped her towel in one sudden flourish. She didn’t miss the way Ben’s eyes trailed up and down her body, didn’t miss the way he seemed to be tracing every curve with just his gaze.

When they kissed this time, it felt different than last night. Last night had been slow, had been thoughtful, special.

This was much more rushed, more fevered. Ben had an urgency to him now. They might have had all the time in the world last night but now? Now they were racing against the clock, running out of time.

Who knew when they would see each other again? Who knew when they would get time alone?

Rey pushed those thoughts aside. The back of her legs hit against the side of the bed. Ben kept moving forward, pressing his naked body flush against hers. His mouth was everywhere; her lips, her jawline, nipping and sucking his way down her neck.

The logical part of her mind wanted to warn him about hickeys, except then his mouth was sucking on one of her breasts, his tongue circling her nipple, and the only noise that Rey could get out was a moan. 

“So beautiful.” He murmured against her skin as he continued to ravish her body with his mouth. He kissed his way down her sternum, down her ribs and over her stomach. Before Rey could even register what was happening, she was lying back in the bed, and Ben was kneeling before her, his head bent between her legs.

The moment his tongue swirled around her clit, Rey felt her hips thrust forward, a gasp slipping from her lips. 

“Ben-“ Rey managed to get out, but then he was lapping at her opening, licking and sucking and pressing his finger into her slit.

Her hips bucked again.

“So wet,” Ben murmured, and Rey wasn’t sure if he was talking to her or just thinking out loud. Either way, Rey didn’t care. All she wanted was more, more, more.

And then Ben was standing before her, was giving her just what she wanted, just what she needed. He pushed slowly inside of her, bit by bit, inch by inch.

Rey hissed, still feeling sore from the night before. But oh god, he felt so good, made her feel so full. So complete. So whole.

He didn’t stop. He didn’t pause to see how she was doing, to ask if she was alright.

But the questions were there, the concern was in his eyes. All Rey had to do was nod, was to lift her hand to cup his cheek, to trace his lips with the pads of her fingertips, and he knew that she was alright.

The pace was fast. His hips snapped against hers, the room, hell the entire house full of the sound of skin slapping against skin. It wasn’t a sound that was supposed to sound good. On paper it was practically cringeworthy.

Right now it was the only sound Rey wanted to hear.

He came first, spilling inside of her, his head bent and his hair falling like a dark curtain around his face. Rey reached up again, smoothing his hair back away from his face over and over again to no avail.

One of his hands then found its way between their bodies to the jumble of nerves between her legs. He began to rub her clit, began to move his thumb back and forth and before Rey knew it, she was coming too; was clenching around his still hard cock that was still deep inside of her.

_I love you_. The words were on the tip of her tongue, much like last night. They were _right_ there, so close to being released out into the world.

Except something made her hold back. Maybe because Rey didn’t want to be the cliche teenager who blurted out those three little words in the middle of sex.

Part of her was still afraid that he was going to turn, was going to admit this was a mistake, that he was going to run away.

And then the moment passed anyways.

***

They spent the rest of the day lounging around. Ben found an old pair of sweatpants and a tee shirt for Rey to wear. They curled up on the couch downstairs, piled under blankets despite the fire that crackled in the fireplace.

Ben found some packets of ramen in the kitchen, so that’s what they ate. Rey slurped the warm, salty broth while she sat wrapped in Ben’s arms. They watched Christmas movie after Christmas movie, starting with the Grinch and ending with White Christmas.

And they kissed. They kissed until Rey’s lips felt puffy, red and raw. Then they kissed some more.

“We should get going-“ Ben finally said, extracting his mouth from the crook of Rey’s neck. At this point, she didn’t even care if she went home covered in hickies.

“Mmm-“ Rey moaned in protest, her hands had slipped under the hem of his shirt, and she was enjoying exploring him; mapping out every groove, every crevice of his body with just her fingers.

She glanced towards the window and saw it was beginning to get dark.

Amilyn had said not to come home late.

Slowly they began to untangle their bodies from one another. Rey folded up and put away the blankets while Ben put out the fire. Together they washed their dishes; their bowls, the pot that Ben had boiled the water in. Everything got put back into its place. Everything was returned to where it belonged, as if Rey and Ben had never been here.

She changed back into her clothes, all washed and clean, still warm and fresh from the dryer. Except when Rey tried to give Ben his sweater back, he just shook his head.

“You keep it.” He said. “You look better in it than I do.” He ducked his head down, his mouth hovering by her ear. “Especially when that’s all you have on.”

It took all of Rey’s willpower to not drag him back down onto the couch.

Eventually they made it out to the car, and once more Rey wished Scarif goodbye.

This goodbye felt different than the ones that happened at the end of the summer. This one felt like something else entirely. Maybe because it had been such a whirlwind of a visit. Maybe because somehow everything had changed.

Instead of looking back at the house like she always did, Rey kept her eyes forward. There wasn’t anyone in that house to wave to, there wasn’t anyone standing on the porch to bid them goodbye.

Rey instead found Ben’s hand, and held it tight.

***

She didn’t get home until past midnight.

They had taken their time, stopping for gas and at a twenty four hour diner that was open despite the holiday. Ben got a burger and fries, while Rey got chicken fingers, mashed potatoes and an extra thick milkshake. 

She let Ben have her cherry, and couldn’t help but laugh at the irony of it all.

He paid, and Rey let him. For once she enjoyed the feeling of being treated as opposed to the typical guilt that would always gnaw at the inside of her stomach.

They talked for most of the ride home. Every mile they grew closer to Gatalenta, the more they filled the space with words.

Ben talked about his college courses, about how different it was from high school, all the pros and cons. Rey discussed her junior year, how her mother was putting so much pressure on her to figure out not just what schools she wanted to look at, but essentially what she wanted to do with the rest of her life.

“I think I want to be a doctor.” Ben declared, backing up his statement with a short nod. “I just- with my mom being sick, and seeing all that she’s going through. I just- I want to help people. I want to help her.”

It was the most Rey had ever heard Ben discuss on the subject.

“You would be a good doctor,” Rey agreed, bringing his hand to her mouth as she pressed a kiss to his palm. “Is she- is your mom doing better?”

Ben was nodding more now, his features growing animated as he spoke. “Yeah. She’s really responding to this new medicine. It’s really amazing.”

All Rey could do was smile and nod, while holding his hand. All she could do was lean forward, could kiss his cheek and tell him how great that sounded, how happy she was that things were finally taking a turn for the better, rather than the worst.

Everything was going to be alright. Everything was going to be good. Because Ben was here, holding her hand. Because Leia was growing stronger, was getting healthier by the day. Because before they knew it, soon it would be summer again and they would all be under the same roof, all at the house in Scarif where everything was good and right in the world.

  
  


* * *

Amilyn was furious when Rey finally made her way through the door. She sat Rey down, lecturing and yelling and telling her daughter just how reckless she had been despite the fact she had been with Ben.

Officially, Rey was grounded for a month, lost television and phone privileges for the next three weeks and was not to disappear into the middle of the night _ever again._ Especially on Christmas.

Rey didn’t regret it, not one bit, not even for a second. How could she? How could she regret one of the best nights of her life? How could she regret something that she kept replaying over and over in her mind, in an attempt to relive every single moment?

She couldn’t regret that night. No, she would remember every word, every look, every touch.

Even when it hurt, she would still remember.


End file.
